A Little Something for the Wife!
Last weekend at Dave's Gun Shop I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized
taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would
never consider a gun -- adequate time to retreat to
safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read
(yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs and I'd know it was working.. Awesome!!!
(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of our microwave. Okay, so I was
home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with
my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like
a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it,'
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
HOLY MOTHER OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
@!#$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in
through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and
body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug'
yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let
go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-... That hurt like hell!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected what little
wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their
Still in shock, Earl.
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