1. Collect plums from tree into a
container that only holds 80 percent of the plums. After
trying to stack the plums in a pyramid on the top of the
bucket with limited success, go look for another bucket.
Ignore the wasps. They are just mad about losing "their"
fruit. Come back with second bucket and transfer the
excess plums from bucket one to bucket two. Pick up the
half-bucket of plums that ended up on the ground in the
process. Finish picking plums from the tree.
2. Take the plums into the house and
set the buckets in the sink while looking for the tube
of stuff that treats wasp stings. Dump the first bucket
of plums into a colander and start water running, then
add the fruit from the second bucket until the colander
is filled. Try adding the remaining two cups of fruit by
stacking them into a pyramid. Pick up all of the spilled
fruit and put it in another container. Clean up the
floor where fruit was stepped on, and dump stepped-on
fruit into the compost bucket.
3. Pit the washed fruit by cutting
one side with a knife and lifting out the pit. When this
gets tiresome, try pitting the plums with a cherry
pitter. Clean the plum juice off of the sink, walls, and
ceiling fan, then put the "cherry-pitted" fruit in the
compost bucket.
4. Finish pitting the fruit with a
knife and dump contents into a stockpot. Add a half cup
of water, turn on the heat, then realize that the pitted
plums were never measured to determine the number of
cups. Estimate the number of cups in the stockpot, then
add the appropriate amount of sugar. Add another cup of
sugar just to be safe.
5. Realize that the jam will
eventually need jam jars. Go to the storage room to look
for the jam jars and search the five boxes on the top
shelf for jars, without success. Stop and think "Now why
am I smelling something with the scent of burned fruit?"
6. Turn off the stove and move the
stockpot of plums to a trivet while cleaning up the two
cups of sticky liquid that boiled over on the stove.
Suddenly remember why you wanted a stove with a solid
ceramic surface. Try cleaning the outside of the
stockpot without removing the contents. Pause to look
for the tube of stuff that treats burns.
7. Move the remaining plums to a
clean pot, then worry that there's not enough liquid.
Add another half cup of water, and turn the burner on
low. Write a note to self that says "Don't leave the
kitchen when the fruit is coming to a boil. It boils
over FAST!" Decide the best place for the note is on the
inside of the jelly cupboard door. Open the jelly
cupboard door, and add the note to the five other ones
from previous years. Discover the jam jars in the jelly
cupboard, and take them to the sink. Realize that the
jars need to be sterilized, but one stock pot is in use
for the jam and the other one is in the sink covered
inside and out with sticky jam-like stuff. Clean up the
sticky pot and fill with water and jam jars. Put on
burner to boil.
8. Check the plums and worry that
they have too much liquid. Go look for the pectin. Read
the label and remember that the pectin needs to be
dissolved in a half cup of water before being added to
the fruit. Prepare the pectin and add it to the boiling
plums. Add another cup of sugar just on general
principals. It can't hurt.
9. Check the jam jars. Turn up the
heat on the plums to get the excess liquid out. Check
the lids for the jam jar. When the plums boil over,
quickly turn down the heat. Try cleaning the stove
without taking the pot of plums off the burner. Go look
for some more stuff to treat burns.
10. Turn off the heat under the
boiling jam jars. Gently lift the jars out of the water
with a jar-lifter thingamajig. Carefully clean up the
floor where one of the jam jars broke. Pause to find
bandages to treat cuts, and more of that burn salve.
11. Turn off the heat under the
boiling plums, then carefully transfer the hot jam to
the jars. Add lids and transfer the filled jars to the
cupboard to cool. Clean up the floor, sink, stove, and
(unaccountably) the overhead fan where the jam spilled.
Make a note to buy more burn salve.
Okay, that's it. My recipe for
perfect plum jam. It goes quite well with a pat of
butter on fresh homemade yeast rolls. I'd give you my
recipe for the yeast rolls, but it's a bit complicated.