In Case You Missed It Dept.

The Navy was able to successfully set a small boat on fire during the first at-sea test of its new laser weapon. I think it needs more testing. Also, I've heard the Somali pirates have a lot of small boats.

Senior White House adviser David Plouffe described Donald Trump's remarks about the President as "sideshow behavior". So... is he saying the Obama administration is a 3-ring circus?

White House Adviser David Plouffe said that, later this week, President Obama will propose "significant debt reduction". That should be easy. He just needs to do everything he did in his first two years again, except backwards.

During a recent interview, Obama complained about the downside of being President, saying, "I can't take a walk." OK, then take a hike.

President Obama says he now regrets his vote against raising the debt limit in 2006, as he is currently arguing FOR raising the limit. I think Obama's been playing too much golf. Politics doesn't do mulligans.

Democrat Congressman Jerrold Nadler said the problem isn't that the country's broke, it's that "we're just not taxing enough." Ya know, I was wondering when we'd hear the 2nd Movement of the Tax & Spend Liberal Symphony.

In a recent interview, CBS News anchor Katie Couric blamed her lousy ratings on weak lead-ins from "local news stations". That, and widespread ownership of remote controls.

After news of another air traffic controller falling asleep on the job, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said "we will not sleep" until this stops happening.
Apparently Joe Biden didn't get the memo.

The Center for Public Integrity reports that the White House visitor logs are missing the names of thousands of lobbyists and campaign donors. Well, technically it's OK, since they're not really "visitors" so much as they are "investors".

-- Fred Thompson

Barack Obama refused Friday to sign a bill paying U.S. troops, forcing them to either fight for free or be court-martialed. It's hilarious. Leave it to America's first black president to bring back slavery on the one hundred and fiftieth anniversary of the Civil War.

Senate Democrats blamed the massive federal budget deficits on Republican tax cuts Friday in TV interviews. They said the wealthy aren't paying enough taxes to meet the nation's needs. Democrats believe it is okay to be rich as long as you just feel awful about it.

President Obama told a New York City crowd Thursday that he just recently finished paying off his student loans. That helps. The first job of the President of the United States is to protect this country while his second job is to assure China that he's good for the loan.

Iran's uranium enrichment factories were identified by a scientist Monday. They are bad for the ozone. The plant converts uranium into gas, then filters it through a centrifuge producing weapons-grade uranium, causing the Israeli Air Force to be released into the sky.

The U.S. Court of Appeals in San Francisco struck down Arizona's illegal immigration law allowing cops to check citizenship. It was applauded in Los Angeles. Now that the all the illegal aliens can go back to Arizona, Dodger Stadium will be safe for baseball again.

The White House ripped Donald Trump for always harping about President Obama's birth certificate. Democrats did get some good news. Donald Trump just had his annual physical and the doctor told him he was as sound as the dollar, so he can't last much longer.

President Obama urged people with large families to save energy by driving hybrid vans. No automaker makes hybrid vans. You could say it really isn't the president's job to know if there are hybrid vans except that he's been running General motors for two years.

Atlas Shrugged opens in theaters nationwide Friday. Its theme is that free enterprise creates prosperity and government control creates poverty. So many conservatives will be flocking to see this movie that theater owners are renting out the lobbies for gun shows.

The Arizona Senate passed a bill requiring presidential candidates to prove they are U.S. citizens before they can be placed on the ballot. The state should also outlaw write-in candidates. Last election, McCain and Obama finished behind Vicente Fox, Felipe Calderon and Pancho Villa.


President Obama gave his plan to balance the budget and reduce the debt in a speech in Washington Wednesday. Joe Biden fell asleep during the speech. No one wants to say the president tends to drone, but Pakistani villagers now scatter at the sound of his voice.

Congressman Paul Ryan ripped President Obama's speech Wednesday, saying it was a campaign speech not a debt reduction plan. It's getting personal. President Obama said Congressman Ryan's debt reduction plan would starve Americans, and he promised that job to Michelle.


Congress will vote today on the budget compromise which averted a U.S. government shutdown last weekend. There's no guarantee it will pass today. If the U.S. government shuts down, the number of things being brutally mismanaged dips by thirty-seven percent.

ABC announced the network will cancel its popular daytime dramas All My Children and One Life to Live. They will be replaced by lifestyle shows on cooking. It's the worst thing to happen to soap opera fans since The Clintons were canceled by the two term limit.

Joe Biden fell asleep in the audience while listening to President Obama's speech on the budget deficit. The cameras caught him snoozing away. The vice president's office said he wasn't being disrespectful, he was shooting a training film for air traffic controllers.

Jesse Jackson was subject of a harassment complaint by his gay travel assistant Tom Bennett. He said Jackson made him get women for him at hotels. The complaint, filed in Chicago, requests back and front pay, which is an idea he got from the Escort Rate Card.

-- Argus Hamilton

Republicans and Democrats agreed on a budget deal and a short-term funding
extension to keep this country not moving forward.

President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt.
Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of girl scout cookies.

Donald Trump challenged President Obama to produce a birth certificate proving he was born in the United States. It would anger a lot of people if it turned out Obama was born in another country. The presidency is not one of the jobs that Americans refuse to do.

-- Jimmy Kimmel

Itís hard to believe that just two weeks ago, people in Washington were talking about shutting down the government in Libya.

A new poll shows that only 19 percent of Americans strongly approve of President Obamaís performance. The other 81 percent donít own gas stations.

Obama said in an interview that he really misses being anonymous.
If he wanted to remain anonymous he should have run for vice president.

The price of gas in California is almost $5 a gallon.
Coming into work, I passed a van packed with legal Americans.


President Obama wants to raise taxes on the countryís richest people.
And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.

Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren.
Probably so thereís more of them to pay off our debt.

Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obamaís speech.
He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller.

Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse.
He was watching President Obamaís deficit speech.

-- Leno

President Obama said he misses being anonymous. He said that in the old days,
he could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Obamas.

Critics say itís illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. Itís also illegal to run for president if your hair wasnít born in this country.

Obama is set to appear on one of Oprahís last shows.
Heís hoping itís the one where she gives away $14 trillion.

-- Conan



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