A public school teacher was arrested at John F.
Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a
slide-rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney
General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra
movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the
FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney
General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and
sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use
secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as
'unknowns,', but we have determined that they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,
"There are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President
Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White
House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent
or profound statement by the President; It is believed that another
Nobel Prize will follow.