Wee Willie Winkie
If you have gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for
dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing.
Overview: I had to take
my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell
me there was "something wrong" with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face
and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the
best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I
"We're about to witness the miracle of
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
We peered at the
patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared,
giving it a gentle tug.
I tried several more times with the
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We
drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to
happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young
male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um . . um . . .
masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
" So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle and giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just ...that ..I'm picturing you pulling on its .. .. its..
teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and
bundled the lizard and our son back into the
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did,
Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
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