I was the white guy with the black Burberry
jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the
knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's
purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd
like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I
drew my pistol af ter you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing
the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold
outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911
.45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder
holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very
intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun
walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown stinking
sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse
since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet
with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come
help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your
mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and
explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on
your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by
Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then
I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your
cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones.
Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for
a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that.
I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to
make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh
well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little
rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd
like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your
pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for
the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was
it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you
and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that
you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might
not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do
lunch and laundry. Peace!
- Alex
